25 Intensely Personal Tidbits

25 things about me:

These 13 things are on my Life's To-Do list:

1. Earn a Bachelors, Masters or PhD.

2. Earn a blackbelt in a martial art

3. Explore spirituality (someplace removed)

4. Travel

5. Live in Japan

7. Work at an animal park
8. Ride a horse at full gallop
9. Swim with sharks
10. Safari in Africa
11. Skydive
12. Breed dogs
11. Become a falconer
13. Have a romantic adventure

[A few less important wishes:
Visit a nudist colony/park/beach, steer a sailboat, learn to play the piano with feeling, learn to sing, dance, fence ... ]

14. I know better than to expect any of these things to just happen.

Here are 6 things I've done that I can't forgive myself for (yet?):

15. I've Destroyed something sacred
16. Gathered dirt for personal gains
17. Manipulated a friend
18. Ignored the needs of a dependent
19. I've Wasted opportunity

(Sixth horror removed ...)

[I plan to undo the damage I've rendered ... I hope that that will be enough.]

20. I am neurotic. I think way, WAY too much.
But the thing is - I like that about myself.

21. I believe that people make themselves special with self-study. The soul is something we craft for ourselves (we work with what we're given).

22. I don't think of myself as pessimistic - rather, I see myself as pragmatic. You might see the glass as half-empty ... but me?
I want to know why I'm not satisfied.

23. I believe that embracing change will bring you happiness. I believe that rejecting change can destroy you.

24. I've had only one girlfriend - and her part in my life was accidental. (An old friend was in town - I asked her to dinner. I didn't know it was a date ... )

25. I intend to be where I want to be before I pursue love.
Although ...
Yes, I believe that love is more "bear trap" than "happily ever after".
[I'll work on that later.]

Auld Lang Syne

I am debt free! Yesyesyes!

I've paid it all off ... my balances are zero.
Nothing stands against me.

*contented sigh

Oh, and guess what, Internets -

I got a 3.3 in my Statistics class and a 3.5 in Career Planning.
Overall I got a 3.6. That's a winning semester in my book.

:D

Debt, school ... these failures were corporeal manifestations of my worst (and most destructive) personal demons ...

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Yearend Update

It's been a LOOONG time.

The news:

I ended my employment with Michaels about three weeks into my first semester of school.
I had had another job with Yakima Valley School for months by that time - so maybe the decision was overdue.

I was employed with two companies AND I was a full-time student ... my life had gotten absurd.

My budget took a hit - but no worries, I'm still on track to be debt-free before January 1st, 2009.
In fact, I've already paid off $5,000 - I'm so excited! This will be quite an accomplishment!

The lease-break "Escape from St Louis" fee has already been paid.
They're going to send me a letter as proof that I've met their demands ... I'll be having that letter framed (maybe professionally lit).

My first semester back at school went rather well.
I made a few mistakes those first few weeks (Michaels, maybe?).
I never quite made up for that ... so here's the run-down of the grades I think I've earned:

Economics (5 credits) 4.0!!!
Statistics (5 credits) 2.9 (oh well ...)
Career Planning (3 credits) 3.0

I was pretty bummed about that 2.9 ...
Until I realized that I've probably added a whole half-point to my cumulative GPA - even with the C.

After all, I failed these classes the first time around.
Replacing a 0 with a 4.0 will have a tremendous impact.
Even replacing a 0 with a 2.9 will make for a positive change. :)

I pushed myself hard this semester.
I did ace every test ... I only missed a little homework. I'll be a better student next semester for the experience.

Speaking of - here's a list of my classes for Winter semester:
(You'll notice that I've reduced the workload somewhat - the gym class won't exactly require homework.)

Linear Algebra
(this is a post-calculus math class that I'll be taking on campus, 5 to 7 PM)

US History II

Fitness Center
(33+ hours of exercise at the CBC gym for a 4.0)

Change

"The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be."

- Marcel Pagnol

My best friend had a little girl last week!

His life will never, ever be the same.

Just think about what he had to face!
Adam had to open his soul - all the way - for that little arrival.

I needed to make a few changes myself -

[Hm ... it feels a little strange, writing about this baby's effect on my life.
And to write about it here, especially ... in a forum that maybe only Adam himself really reads ...
Yeah, strange.
But she had an effect.
Nearly no effect at all, when compared to the impact she's had on her parents -
But she did change me - and I want to express that. :)]

I, too, needed to open my soul (if only a crack).

And I needed to remember how to be a friend to a kid. :D

But her biggest impact on me?
I needed to let go of my friendship ... with Adam.

Oh, he's still my best friend.
And I like to think that I'm still his.

But I'm no longer a priority, you see.
An absentee best friend to a father is really more of an accessory. :S

You know, I was REALLY close to my middle school friends.
I've heard it said that a family is a circle of love.
If that's true, then that's what we were. A family.
[Ours was a brotherly, rough-housing kind of love.]

But we had to graduate. We had to seperate.
We had to move on.

And we all grew for it!

I found another group of friends. I found for myself ANOTHER family. I got lucky.
But again, another graduation ...

That's what Serah's birth was for me, really.
Adam was "going off to college".

Yeah. I'll still see him. Heck, maybe I'll even see MORE of him -
But our relationship will be weaker, won't it?
Stronger as brothers, maybe - for the sharing of the love of a child.

But weaker as friends.

This is NOT self-pity.
I'm happy for him.

Curiously, I'm happy for myself:

I don't think I need Adam's shoulder for support any longer -
My legs have healed.
I can walk, and soon I'll run -

I'm ready to look for my fourth (and final?) family.

If you love it so much why don't you just marry it?

I've read one too many attacks on Alanis Morisette's "Ironic".

People were using the word in that context years and years before her single.

'Coincidental' does not fit well ... even if you're a nihilist.

So - an analogy in language you might understand:

Irony is to synchronicity as
irony's denotation is to its connotation.

Ya lousy dictionary-lovin' freak.

...

Alanis, I love you. Why haven't you replied to my letters?

:P

To the place I belong.

I've made a decision.

I'll be moving to Selah in January, rather than to the Tri-Cities. After all, this job in Selah has offered me something that I really need: a healthier start in Seattle.

And Seattle is where I want to be!

I feel I can commit to living in Seattle indefinitely - without sacrificing self-image. And so Seattle is where I'll be ready for love. Seattle ... is where I can get my forever job. Buy my forever home.

It's true, I miss the Tri-Cities now - and the people there. But going back ... would be going back in more than the one way.

I see that now.

Following that frame of thought -
Living in Selah and using a small part of my savings to do a thing or two I've always dreamed of doing -
That's moving forward, isn't it?

One Day More

The musical Les Miserables has ever been a part of me.
I was only a boy when I first heard the passionate swells ... and even then I understood.

I've always tried to live with Jean Valjean's strength.

I've tried to accept change in the way that Javert never could.

Whenever I've known heartache - I've thought of Eponine. Of her dejection, of her life ... and of its end.

Now I see a new connection:

At one point ... the day before a great battle ...

An old man gathers his daughter with the intention to run -
And so his daughter must leave her first and only true love.

The retched make a plan to steal from the dead and become rich -
As the rich make a plan to fight, and become free.

And an enemy makes a plan to lead the free - to their deaths.


All of these voices sound out in a cry! In a day's time life will never be the same!

...

Adam, my best friend, is going to be a dad soon. He can't know what to expect, but he's trying.

I can't be sure I'll recognize him.

My sister is moving into an apartment soon. She's never faced this kind of responsibility.

How will she cope?

My mother and father are going to be alone again soon.
My sister and I are moving - we'll be taking our pets, our stuff and our noise with us.

Can dad re-embrace the serenity he's apparently forgotten?

What will mom do with her time? Where will she find her meaning?

And what of me? Soon ...

-----

So I have a decision to make. A decision that carries more weight than I've ever known:

Do I live in Selah and save for a future?

Or do I live in the Tri-Cities? Do I enjoy the time I have? With the people I love?

*sigh

I've never been good at making friends. I wonder if I'll ever again make a friend quite like Adam ...

And I've been alone in a big city before.

I didn't cope with that well. I'm still spinning, still lonely. Six months in the Tri-Cities ... could be just the cathartic adventure I need.

But why can't I buy happiness? In Selah ...

I could save AND ... learn to ride a horse at the local academy! I could sky dive! Buy a Wii.

I could see Seattle whenever the mood strikes. For that matter, I could visit the Tri-Cities!

...

So here I am, confused. Some months ago, my life was stagnant. I was going nowhere.

I was stuck.

And now ... suddenly I have two options. Two ways to enrich my life.

Should I make the financially sound decision?
Or do I try to be around the people I love - with whatever time I can afford and they will allow?