Holding my breath for a better life has got me blue.

My latest misadventures have been especially painful. I've lost everything I liked about myself:

I am now 100% dependent on my mother for lodging.

I am deep in debt and farther from school than I've ever been.

I am miles from the people I love to be around.

Bleh ...

I have a job now that can bail me out of all that ... but I'm having a hard time accepting the possibility. :( I'm not sure on why that is.

I haven't been over-the-top excited.

All of my plans lately are closer to dreams than to maps.

And I think I'm just waiting for that proverbial 'other shoe' to fall. Am I really worried about ending up worse than I am somehow? There isn't a good reason to expect that - is there?

:S

Thinking about it now ... I'm a pretty environmental person. I soak up the people I'm with like a sponge - and slowly mutate my point of view to match theirs.

And this place! This place is oppressive. It's a clear reminder of my less-than-happy childhood.

But mostly it's just that there are times it feels like nothing's changed.

Maybe all I need then is a new outlook and a new environment ... except that this job can really only bail me out on schedule if I stay where I am.

Anyone up for a vacation?

How about matricide?